Lately I've been dreaming about her. I didn't realised that her birthday is coming soon. Maybe my subconciousness is trying to remind me when I was too busy with everything.
She was surrounded with her family and friends when she died. They all came to the hospital when they knew she went into coma. The ward was filled with us and the hospital did nothing to stop us from keep coming in because they knew. But I didn't.
I cried asking for her forgiveness. My cousin pulled me away saying that it will be hard for her to let go seeing me like that. So I put on a brave face and stop crying.
A few hours later, a doctor came to check on her, then told us that she was gone. I went into shock and everything was blurry. I couldn't processed what the hell happened. I thought she was the strongest women I know. I thought she will wake up again and grow old to see her grandchildren. I was so young. She was too.
My friends tried to console me but I sent them home. I didn't understand why people kept hugging me saying its going to be okay. I still couldn't process anything. I still did not cry.
Some of her friends came with us on the same night back to her hometown 3 hours away for her burial. My grandmother insisted that we bury her daughter near her. We couldn't argue with a mother. When we arrived at my grandmother's home, she and her other children were bawling their eyes out. I could not stand that scene. I still didn't cry.
My uncle slowly ushered me inside, asked me to take a shower, perform a prayer and maybe get some sleep. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't let my mother be alone with those people. I spent all night reciting some prayers beside my mother in the living room while waiting for the morning to come to bury her. Sometimes I choked, struggling to keep the tears in. But I still didn't cry.
Morning came, the people who were incharged with her burial came with it. I helped to prepare her. I gave her last bath. That was when the tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. That was when I really see her lifeless. Gone. Dead. I knew she died but that was the moment that I knew I will never see her again. Other people had to help me stand to finished the bath. I almost couldn't finished typing this sentence because my heart still aches for that memory.
Her friends stayed until she was in the ground. They gave me some consolations but I think they need it the most. They were still crying when I have already calmed down, remembering my cousin's words. My mother was loved right until the end. I knew she had some bitter moments towards her last days. But what she had was, a happy ending. I want that.
In two days it will be her birthday. 7 years had passed. But I will never forget the heartbroken of losing her.
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